Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Yet

The fact that I am fat, obese, seriously unhealthy, can't touch my toes without being in pain, unable to bend over without holding on something, can't find clothes that don't fit like tents (because that is what they are) ... all this doesn't motivate me to lose weight. In fact, in many ways, it sends me to the cookies and ice cream.

Odd, isn't it? I am intelligent (fairly so, anyway). I know losing weight will help my health. Exercise will help my attitude toward life. Both will increase my quality of life. I might even have a date again not based on pity or overlooking my size. Yet ... I do not.

I am diabetic. Diabetes kills people. It kills people. It has killed clients, friends and family. It can be controlled by careful diet, exercise, medication. I could control it. I might even be able to force it back.

So why aren't I?

Why am I trying to kill myself? Why am I choosing to be fat? Why is food my master?

Why?

I don't have answers.

But I'm going to find some. Or I'm going to shut up and eat myself to an early death. If I don't work on saving myself, I'm going to stop whining about it. If food ends up being my choice of suicide weapon, so be it, but I'm going to stop pretending to care if I really don't.

I'm not done yet. I think I can raise the standard once more.

I'm not done.

Yet.

3 comments:

Jean said...

I hear you, Friend. I could have written this post. In fact, are you sure I didn't? OK. I can still touch my toes. Barely. And I don't have diabetes. Everything else? I don't think you missed a thing.

(No, Honey, if you're reading this, I'm not wishing for a date, but I know you wish you didn't have to keep saying you love me no matter what.)

We'll get there. Or not. Either way, we're worthy, intelligent people with a lot to offer the world. Let's not miss that. Let's refuse to be defined by the scale (even though others may define us that way).

chikku said...

hey... dont get so hard on yourself.may be u r over weight and that trubles u..But thats not something without a slolution.Think of the poeple who have dealy diseases like cancer..that dont have a choice even if they want to live.they cant do anyhting about their illness... but u can... u surely can..may be it would b diff to start of eith something.. but once you start ur exercise n then see ur wt going sown or wen ur sugar level going down, den u'l get the hang of it...so go ahead.. u willl be able to do it.. there is nothing thats impossible..all the best... U CAN DO IT!!!

Frenzied Feline said...

Sigh. I understand all too well.