The long haul

There's a lot to be said for the immediate gratification of food. I feel bad so I break out the Pringles and let a few chips massage my ego. Frankly, it works and it's cheaper than booze. Or how about the pleasure that a Reeses peanut butter cup can give as soon as I pop it in my mouth? No delay, no work beyond opening the package, just the creamy chocolate melting in my mouth.

There aren't a lot of healthy rewards that offer the pleasure of fattening foods. In fact, I can't think of one. I know there are people who claim that if they jog a few miles, they start experiencing a "runner's high." Not having experienced one, I'll take their word for it. I would like to point out, however, that you don't have to jog a single step to enjoy a peanut butter cup.

We live in an instant gratification world. Patience may be the less used virtue. People ask me what's the hardest thing about writing books. It's the waiting. I want the book done now so that it can be published and I can move on to my next project. With a wave of my hand, I'd like to have it written.

But it doesn't work that way. Instead, I have a goal of 500 words a day. 500 and 500 and 500 and so on, and eventually I have a book. It isn't easy. After a hard day at work, I'd rather sink into my recliner and watch some mindless TV, preferably a show that features half-naked women and lots of explosions. Bond, for instance.

I'm beginning to think losing weight is a lot like writing a book. You exercise 30 minutes or eat healthy or whatever small step you make, and eventually you've lost weight. But it takes time.

As near as I can recall, it took nearly 10 years for me to reach my weight, one peanut butter cup at a time. I didn't go to sleep one night and wake the next morning with 150 extra pounds. Instead, I put the weight one pound at a time. Taking it off may take the same slow progress.

Losing weight is the long haul. It's the commitment to begin anew each day. To just take those few healthy steps daily -- exercise 30 minutes, drink plenty of water instead of soft drinks, eat fruits instead of candy, salads instead of cheese-drowned pizza -- and not look up until I reach the end of my journey.

Whether or not, I have the willpower to do so ... that's the question.

Yet

The fact that I am fat, obese, seriously unhealthy, can't touch my toes without being in pain, unable to bend over without holding on something, can't find clothes that don't fit like tents (because that is what they are) ... all this doesn't motivate me to lose weight. In fact, in many ways, it sends me to the cookies and ice cream.

Odd, isn't it? I am intelligent (fairly so, anyway). I know losing weight will help my health. Exercise will help my attitude toward life. Both will increase my quality of life. I might even have a date again not based on pity or overlooking my size. Yet ... I do not.

I am diabetic. Diabetes kills people. It kills people. It has killed clients, friends and family. It can be controlled by careful diet, exercise, medication. I could control it. I might even be able to force it back.

So why aren't I?

Why am I trying to kill myself? Why am I choosing to be fat? Why is food my master?

Why?

I don't have answers.

But I'm going to find some. Or I'm going to shut up and eat myself to an early death. If I don't work on saving myself, I'm going to stop whining about it. If food ends up being my choice of suicide weapon, so be it, but I'm going to stop pretending to care if I really don't.

I'm not done yet. I think I can raise the standard once more.

I'm not done.

Yet.

My plan for 2008

      I have to lose weight. This has to be done this year. To that end, I purchased a recumbent bike last Wednesday. I've used it almost every day since my roomie put it together (thanks, ETC). My legs feel ... terrible. Sigh. Anyway, here's is my plan for losing weight in 2008.
      A. Ride my recumbent bike at least once a day.
      B. Eat more salads and low calorie meals.
      C. Control portion size. Smaller, smaller, smaller.
      D. Drink more water. Lots more.
      E. Limit sweets of any sort. This will definitely help my diabetes.
      F. Eat more veggies. Lots more.
      G. Cook more and eat out less.
      H. Get more sleep. Lack of sleep has been shown to increase weight gain as well as cause other health problems.
      I. Understand that it will take at least a couple of years (or more) for me to lose this weight. It's not going to be easy to lose weight, but when I do, the rewards will be great.
      J. Remember that I've not failed until I give up, and be kind to myself when I slip up.
      And that's how I intend to lose weight in 2008. How are you going to do it?

Slim Fast report

It's going okay. I've lost five pounds on it. Not as fast as I used to lose weight on it, but I suspect the problem is that I'm having to snack a bit to keep my carbs up enough to satisfy the diabetes. (I'm supposed to have 60 carbs per meal and 15 carbs per snack. One original Slim-Fast has 40 carbs.)

I spoke to my doctor about Slim Fast, and he didn't know of any reason that I shouldn't use it, but cautioned me about letting my blood sugar crash and suggested that I increase my testing and watch my counts carefully. He was worried about it going too low. So I have been testing a half hour after each Slim Fast.

I did some research on the Net and found a couple of stories about people who went on Slim Fast and let their blood sugar crash. At least one nearly died. I'm being very careful. So far, so good.

It's important that I break this "lock" that my weight loss seems to be in. I will tell you that I'm struggling with the Slim Fast. I'm not hungry, not really, but I do crave unhealthy food -- and let me tell you, munching on a carrot stick does nothing to shut off a craving.

I read Mama Rose's post yesterday and identified with those people. I have certainly battled despair while trying to lose weight, and food really does bring me up. I have also looked at my size and felt hopeless. In fact, I've been going through a hopeless period for a while now. Thus my decision to attempt Slim Fast.

You'd think that losing five pounds would boost my mood, but you'd be wrong. I am obese, and five pounds is literally a drop in the bucket. When I consider how I've struggled this week with cravings, I find myself doubting that I can deny myself the foods I love in the amounts I desire for the years necessary for me to lose weight.

Of course, there a lot of weapons to use in the fight against fat, and obviously I'm still in the fight -- perhaps not gaining much ground -- but I haven't given up, either. I intend to win one way or another.

Stumbling Along

Baby Steps are going well this week. I've logged what I've eaten in my private on line food diary. I've recorded my "loving movement" (to use a FlyLady term) -- my walks. I've faithfully done the exercise on each FitDeck card I turned up each day (usually more than the minimum number of repetitions). Today, I got exuberant and did two cards. I'm not ready to commit to doing two cards yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if I began doing more than one card a day. It's so simple.

I've read further into Body Clutter, and I'm making progress there.

Boring may be good

A comment by Trixie about how she was getting tired of salads struck me as insightful. Or at least it gave me this insight: Losing weight means that food has to be less exciting than it was to me. No, wait, hear me out. There are thousands of cookbooks out there that teach us how to cook tasty low-cal meals. They use spices, garnishes, unusual combinations, substitutes, etc., but the point, the perhaps unconscious message of all those books is that eating is important, that it's something we need to spend time on, that taste should rule our lives. Yet ... there's an old saying about how we live to eat instead of eating to live.

I'm not saying that our meals have to be sand and ashes with a bit of grass. I am saying that too much emphasis on the desirability of food is a bad thing. There's nothing wrong with a boring salad while having a good lunch conversation with friends or while reading a good book or watching an interesting TV show.

Food has got to stop being our lover and has to become our casual friend. As you can tell, I've been carrying on an improper relationship with chocolate cherry cheesecake for years. I think it's time we both moved on.

What do you think?

What do we really want?

I think the most important thing we can do about losing weight is to decide if we really want to. We can talk about it all day, all night and all week, but if that talking is not followed by actions, then we've done nothing -- except maybe burn a few calories with our jaw muscles.

We have to ask ourselves a few questions:

Do we want to lose weight?

Are we willing to make the lifestyle changes that we will have to make to lose weight?

Is losing weight more important that the reasons we overeat?

What do we really want?

These questions have to be answered by each of us. And then we can decide what to do. If we decide that losing weight isn't more important that overeating, then we can make different choices accordingly. And if we decide that we do want to lose weight, then we must different choices, also.

I have a list of reasons as to why I want to lose weight. I refer to them when I'm discouraged. I've printed them off and put them on my fridge door on bright orange paper. It's a visual reminder of what my decision is and why I choose it.

What do you use to keep you on the straight and narrower?

Your post here

Your inspiring, thought-provoking post goes here.

Your delicious recipe that is still sliming goes here.

Your thoughts about weight loss and how you/we need support goes here.

Your wisdom, wit and kindness go here.

Your support goes here.

Accountability

One of the things that helped me lose weight before -- when I was doing what I should -- was accountability. I had Weight Watchers, this blog and concerned friends who would ask me almost daily how the diet was going. Yes, it was annoying at times, but it also kept me aware of my diet.

It was also a test of my honesty. Because sometimes they would ask and I hadn't been good about my diet -- unless you consider a dish of French vanilla ice cream with hot peach topping and a flourish of whipped cream on top to be diet food -- and I didn't want to answer.

"I don't want to talk about it," was my standard reply, which was the same as an admission that I had fallen off the beam. Not that they chastised me -- in fact, they were always supportive except for one person who died a horrible death involving fire ants, a '59 Chevy and a goat -- but having to admit that I had slipped only fueled my desire to do better.

So, for me, this blog will be part of my accountability. And if you ask me if I walked last night, my reply is, "I don't want to talk about it." But I will walk tonight.

How are you doing? Please share your tips and thoughts. We're in this together, and I want to hear what you have to say. And if you'd like to join us, just let me know, and I'll sign you up in our team.